I want to share a story with you about what happened yesterday with my mom and I. We got into a really big fight. It sucked, to say the least. I had needs that I didn’t feel were getting met and when I tried to communicate with her how I was feeling, she was having none of it. She just wanted to stop talking and go back to the way things normally were, turing on the cd player and trying to get into a fun mood. But, I was triggered and that little girl part of me that was triggered was NOT going to let it go until she got what she wanted: to be heard, to feel respected, to feel a deeper connection with her mommy.
Oh, this is painful for me to see and to write, though I know it’s important.
When I was a little girl, I didn’t feel like I got everything I needed or wanted from my mom. I didn’t have the opportunity to be breast fed. She “just couldn’t do it” she’s told me in the past. Life was so busy and full after I was born, she wasn’t able to provide for me in that way, not even once.*
This has really bothered me in the past. I feel as if I’ve been trying to “get on that nipple” ever since: get what I never thought I got, that love and connection and the good, healthy nourishment mom’s are supposed to provide for their children.
Oh, how sad and how real it still is sometimes for this little girl inside me and for the grown woman I am to see this all in the light so clearly.
Mom and I are very close and I love her very much, though, what I saw yesterday is that I am still operating in an old dynamic of relating to her. I am still trying to get what I wanted from her so long ago and I feel as if she’s still trying to get something from me too, or give me something she couldn’t back then.
So…I’ve made a commitment to show up as the adult Sarah in our relationship. Mom may not have been able to give me everything I wanted or needed as an infant or youth and you know what, now I’m here to be that for myself. I’m here to surround myself with a lifestyle and people who I care about and who care about me and I’m ready for a healthy and well balanced relationship with my mom, where I’m NOT trying to get anything from her and I’m not putting myself in the position for her to feel she has to get anything from me or give anything to me.
A relationship where we can be ourselves, our own independent women, and come together with respect, harmony, a deep, unconditional love, curiosity and compassion.
Thank you so much for being here to listen to my story. It means a LOT to me.
Can you relate to these kinds of upheavals during the holidays or throughout the year with your mom?
Who are you being in the face of your relationship with your mom?
Who do you want to be?
There were several steps that really supported me in moving through this experience with my mom. Here they are:
- Accept what is present
- Get curious about what’s happening or what happened
- Take responsibility for my part to play in the situation and see clearly where I was showing up to co-create what I experienced
- Realize what I do want to experience in my relationship
- Get really clear about how I will show up to experience what I want in our relationship
- Practice, practice, practice!
How can these steps support you in moving through a challenging experience with your mom, yourself or someone else?
Which one step would you choose right now to deal with a difficult situation that’s happened?
Share your comments below this blog post. I am here and I want to hear from you!
This experience with my mom really took me by surprise and though it felt REALLY AWFUL yesterday to go through that, I have learned so much and grown so much!
As I finally left my parents yesterday after the blow up, a thought came through my mind: “You know, when things like this blow up, it means that there is a really deep layer of things: emotions, feelings, old past patterns, that are ready to be seen, felt, cleared and healed.”
In that moment, I was able to have gratitude for what happened because Lord knows, I’m ready for a change: to be a woman in our relationship, to set healthy boundaries about what I can and can’t be involved in with my mother, and to open up my heart to generosity and a love that is purely unconditional.
Thank you for being here. I feel as if we are curled up on the couch having an intimate conversation and sharing with a warm fire raging in the fire place behind us.
It means so much to me.
I am wishing you the Happiest Holiday season and SO MUCH love and healthy healing with you and your families this year and beyond.
Love, Sarah
p.s. Mom and I talked today. We are already on our way to a new way in our relationship! now it’s just practice, practice practice and being aware of any old patterns that want to come into play again, getting curious and consciously choosing the next steps of this new way! How are you doing on your way to a new relationship with your mom?
p.p.s. Need a little help moving through your own holiday experiences with your mom? Click here to schedule your From Blues to Grooves Holiday Coaching Session NOW!
* I am a twin though my twin does not share the same thoughts or feelings in regards to this situation as I do so I am purely speaking from my own experience in the above mentioned experience.
Not only was this so moving but it was Amazing, INSPIRATIONAL & Beautiful! Thank you for sharing. Many blessing to you all!
Thank you Gaitrie! I really appreciate your input here and for sharing it with others 🙂 Love, Sarah
Great post Sarah and what an empowering practice to show up as an adult in a child-parent relationship. I had a moment like this with my father about 10 years ago. We got into a heated argument as we often would when I was living my life in a manner contrary to his worldview (get a job, pay bills, be a man etc). Except in this instance, as words escalated to a shouting match I looked into his eyes and saw for the first time my father as just another human, and immediately I relaxed into myself. I recognized him as a peer, rather than an authority figure requiring permission or approval for how I choose to lead my life. Ever since then we haven’t had an altercation, or anything remotely akin to an argument. I think my father “softened” a bit that day, and I stepped up as a man coming from a place of love.
Amen Sean, thank you SO MUCH for sharing this. It really is opening up my approach here and I’m imagining what I can be and who I can be with my mom in the future 🙂 Thank you Soul Brotha! Sarah
Dearest Sarah,
Thank you soooooo much for every single word of this post. I have not fully explored all of the questions, but I plan on diving deep into my heart and doing so. Thank you for this guidance. I’m sure that this is “up” for a lot of us right now as we come home for the holidays. Even those of us who are striving to stay awake and aware, find ourselves caught up in moments where we are unconsciously replaying old programs and roles. By the time we realize it, and wake up, who KNOWS what kind of havoc our child selves have wreaked in our relationships!
My conflict with my mom happened over the phone about 10 days before coming home, but we sort-of mended it via email (or, at least made it so that the holidays could be peaceful and agreed to do some intensive therapy together in the summer). We have had a week together (including two 5.5 hour car rides) and have managed to keep everything very pretty and peaceful on the surface. Yet, I know that both of us long to share a deeper connection.
Inspired by your post, I just went up to her room where she is falling asleep in front of the tv, and told her that I loved her. Baby steps.
Love you, gf!
D
OMG, D, I am SOOOO TOUCHED by your post and the actions that came about out of your reading this. I have tears in my eyes and am really touched at how this inspired you to move into love with your mom. WOW, Go GIRL! I love you SO MUCH! What a role model. I also hear your awareness of longing to “Share a deeper connection” with your mom. So meaningful!
Thank you for sharing WOman!
Love and Happy New Year!
Aloha Nui Loa, Sarah