Finding God: My Journey Back to God
In 2014, I spent a little bit of time with a man who believed in Jesus. I mean, he was a full on Christian. That was new to me. Most of the people I’d spent romantic time with were either “spiritual,” didn’t know what they believed in or didn’t believe in anything at all.
Although our encounters were short lived, the fact that he was openly religious, reading the bible and wearing a cross, helped me begin a journey of opening my heart to Jesus again.
You see, I was raised as a Catholic, with parents who were very devout. Even though I know my parents meant well, the way I was raised in the church and through the teachings my parents were trying to instill in me, did not resonate with me at all, even at a young age. The teachings and behaviors passed on to me actually scared me and made me feel bad about who I was, in addition to a huge gap I could instinctively feel between what Jesus and God taught and how humans acted in real life.
So, I turned away from the church for many years, though I still felt guilty all the time about everything and prayed constantly asking God to forgive me for the “bad” thoughts I was thinking and to protect myself and those I loved.
For many years I lived with so much guilt and fear.
At some point, in my 16th year, I started to open up spiritually, though. No one taught me how to do this outloud, although my parents did without knowing it, but I opened up to something else, something greater than myself, than this life. Spirituality resonated way more than going to church every Sunday and worshiping Jesus.
For 21 years, or so, I opened up more to spirituality and different spiritual beliefs, learning how to meditate, learning about being with myself, adopting certain Buddhist and Taoist philosophies and chanting Kirtan. But, through all of these practices and everything I learned, something still felt like it was missing.
Insert Easter Sunday, 2014. The main fine arts painter for Young Audiences was out of town for the holiday and a local church, True Bethel Baptist, was looking for a painter to paint on stage during their huge Easter service at Kleinhans music hall. Just a few weeks before, I’d told one of the Young Audiences staff that I graduated with a degree in fine art painting. So, when the other painter wasn’t available, she called me instead.
It was a Godsend.
Working on this painting on stage and everything that led up to that experience changed my life.
The end of 2013 and the first half of 2014 were challenging. I was going through another growth spurt that would stretch my limits and prove to feel uncomfortable, discouraging and frustrating. And, right in the middle of it, I was led back to God.
It was the day before Easter Sunday and I’d brought all the painting supplies to Kleinhans Music Hall to set up for the next day. It had already been at least a month or more since the man I’d spent time with and I had stopped seeing each other. Feelings of regret, discouragement and angst filled me about him, but, years later, I would realize that he was a part of my heart opening to God again., so I was able to find peace and even gratitude for our time together.
The church director and I walked through Kleinhans, as she showed me where I could store my things. Then, we walked out into the concert hall to hear the praise team rehearsing the two songs I would paint to on stage the next day. The spirit was palpable and filled the room to brimming, even though it wasn’t a “holy” place. The mood struck me and I almost felt overwhelmed by it, in awe of how people could bring this strong spirit and energy to a non-religious place like Kleinhans.
The lead singer of the first song began. He looked up towards the ceiling, as the heartfelt music began to play, and he said, “God, we know you love us,” pointing his finger straight up. “We know we’re loved.” Instantly, it was as if his words pierced the center of my chest, straight into my heart, and I was moved to tears. I mean, I’m a crier. I’ve cried in public before, while speaking, etc. I can cry in front of others. However, on that day, at that time, I thought, “Oh my gosh, I can’t cry in front of this woman (the church director). I don’t even know her!” But, the emotion swelled up in me regardless of my thoughts.
After I left the building and drove away, I started thinking, “Oh my gosh, I still don’t know that I’m loved. Holy crap! How could I not know this with all the healing work I’ve done? I thought I had dealt with these feelings years ago!”
Thoughts were racing through my head as I imagined myself at my parents house the next day, during Easter brunch, tearfully confessing to them all about my experience that day and that a part of me still didn’t know I was loved.
That was the beginning of my journey back to Jesus and God, the bible, which I had never read before, and healing in a deeper way, on a deeper level, than ever before. Through this journey, I would learn that I am loved by God and that truly this is what IS and will always be. And, we all are loved. That’s the truth!
Although it wouldn’t be the only thing I’d need to heal further (the EMDR trauma therapy and parts work, along with spiritual coaching, have been indelible supports for further healing over the past three and a half years), it was a huge piece of the puzzle.
As I got older and further along my personal healing journey, I could feel that being “spiritual” wasn’t enough. Something felt like it was missing. Then, when I started attending church again, reading the bible, talking to different people about God, listening to religious and spiritual pop music and connecting with God, as I see it, in a more conscious and consistent way, I’ve begun to mature in my spirituality.
Do I believe everything in the bible? No. Do I believe and agree with everything preachers and pastors and priests say? No. Do I have a personal relationship with God now? Yes, absolutely. Is it consistently evolving and growing? Yes, it is.
Although I can’t say that I know exactly what God is, for me, this exploration is a journey. I hope this inspires you to inquire about your own beliefs in a Higher Power. And, at least know, you are loved and nothing or no one will EVER change that! It is true, it is you and me too and it is the most real thing ever!.
Now, you might be wondering, if I’m loved, then why do shitty things happen to me and others? What’s up with that? Because I’m not God and I don’t see the bigger picture, all I can do is have faith that whatever is happening is an opportunity for healing, growth, clarity and coming closer to the Source of Life, whatever this may be. And, this gives me and all of us an opportunity to be a part of the uplift in life, to make positive changes by healing personally, staying open to growing and learning as much as possible and being the Love that we’re here to be!
What do you think?:
What do you think about God?
Who or what is God to you?
And, how does this help you through your daily life?
Share your comments below in the comments section. I’d love to hear from you about this important topic.
With Love and Aloha Nui Loa,
p.s. I want to Thank the True Bethel Baptist Family for welcoming me into their church, a place where I felt comfortable being myself in worship. And, thank you for all the healing, learning and growing being a part of your community and church has afforded me. I am SO grateful!
p.p.s. Want to know how mindful you really are? Check out our free Mindfulness Quiz by clicking here! It takes less than 5 minutes.
p.p.p.s. Need more resources? Head over to the coaching page for ways you can continue your healing journey.